Episode Two

SMABT EPISODE TWO: TANKED

Stars with 10 second edited wrap of first episode.

Starts with general pandemonium in cockpit as Gunner Cormac, Sous
Chef Bill (Meelater), freak out at the appearance of Bryce
the Destroyer’s Mark XVII battle tank on their roundy roundy
radar thingy. Only Commander Eric (AKA Jack Offenhankie) is keeping
a cool head.

COMMANDER ERIC
Gunner Cormac, arm the plasma
cannon, activate ion torpedoes.
We’re going in hotter than my
bottom after triple hot chili
night.

Sous Chef Bill has no idea what is going on and looks at the
instrument panel in confusion. He starts pressing the touch
screen in front of him to obviously activate various sub
menus (but we may not see that because I don’t know if we
will have any cool button pressy things or screens.) Gunner Cormac
is simultaneously flicking through the large hard copy
manual.

GUNNER CORMAC
This is absolutely rooted, just
like the ignition sequence. Those goddam
Australians have put the fire
controls all over the fucking
place. See here, to get to the
plasma cannon you have to go to
weapons, tools, options, the sub
menu for the personal options,
through the desktop theme display
to the firing menu. Why can’t they just
have a big button with FIRE on it.
The ion charger is 18 fucking
levels down under the visual
appearances menu. So far all I’ve
managed to do is change the
wallpaper to puppies and daisies.

COMMANDER ERIC
(Tres nonchalantly)

OK Gunner Cormac, we’re going to flank Bryce the Destroyer.
We’ll go out to port, vector Plural Zed Alpha, and have a go
at its side shields. The only possible chance we’ll have
against a Mark XVII is to cause a slight rupture in them,
and widen them with a a plasmatic ray pulse and then hit him with
an ionising strontium phtangphtang missile. If his turret is
in just the exact position it could penetrate the thinner
armour around the main armaments to spray some metal into
the gun port and give him, oh, a nasty, nasty flesh wound.

SOUS CHEF BILL
That’s it? That’s the best we’ll be
able to do?

COMMANDER ERIC
It’s the best we can hope for
against a Mark XVII. Those babies
are nearly indestructible. I mean,
their paint job can absorb an
atomic blast. We’ll be lucky if he
even slows down as he rides over
our shattered remains. If you’ve
got even a spark of life left after
he blows us into pieces, grab some
piece of severed limb and strike it
against the side of his
inpenetrable armour … if nothing
else it’ll mean he has to give it a
cut and polish to get rid of the blood
and that’ll really screw up his
Saturday afternoon.

SOUS CHEF BILL
(Just a small whimper)

EXTERNAL OF TANK GATHERING SPEED

Cormac starts to depress the speed handles. Suddenly the
cabin is again full of very heavy metally Super Awesome
Mega … He takes hands off controls and and the music
dies away.

GUNNER CORMAC
(Totally stumped …) What ..

Puts hands on controls pushes them forward. Sound comes on
again. Super Awesome Mega Battle

Does the same thing, with the same result except we hear the
whole phrase.

Super Awesome Mega Battle Tank …

SOUS CHEF BILL
I thought we switched that off.

GUNNER CORMAC
(looking at sub menus on
screen)
This looks like it is a special
default music feature for going
into battle. When it hits 30 clicks
it comes on automatically. But I
can’t see where the preferences are
to turn it off …

SOUND CONTINUES

Shot of three as sound reverberates through the cabin.

Title on black screen

17 seconds later

All three are singing along with the song.

(Which may, or may not go something like this)

Super Awesome Mega Battle Tank

(Whanga whanga whanga guitar bit)

Super Awesome Mega Battle Tank

(repeat guitar whanga whanga)

We’ve got an armoured shell, We rain down photonic hell

Built by Australians, so it’s almost fairly well

We rule the galaxy, Or sectors A-G,

For whoever is this week’s ruling OLIGARCHY!!

Super Awesome Mega Battletank!!!

EXTERNAL VIEW OF TANK TRUNDLING PASS ROCKY OUTCROP. SINGING IS
VERY OBVIOUS. VIEW FROM BEHIND THE ROCKS AS A NUMBER OF
SPEARS ARE BEING SHARPENED. (Actually, due to budget
restraints, it may be one spear being sharpened.)

ENDS

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