Episode One

SCENE ONE …….. KIWI SPACE PATROL
(This is the first version for
the web movie.)
Interior of the Super Awesome Mega Battle Tank (as named for the
Kiwi Space Patrol in a competition won by Mrs Giles’ Year 2
class at Ureiti School)
Shot of the interior of the battle tank, showing three
seats, a large screen, or its reflection, and some blinking
lights here and there. It looks functional and ready for
action. There is a faint screaming sound which gets lounder,
then a small flap above each seat opens and in shoots
Commander Jack Offenhankie (aka Commander Eric), Gunner
Cormac, and Sous Chef Bill. (Actually they are all from the
catering corps and it has been a rostering cock up which
accounts for why they aren’t all they can be in this
particular task.)

Commander Jack shoots straight into his seat and begins methodically
checking out whatever is in front of him. Gunner Cormac is a little
more ruffled by what has obviously been a novel experience.
Gunner Bill comes down facing the wrong way, lands on his
stomach on the head back, and bounces back, whacking his
head on the console. Muttering obscenities. He sustains a
small cut to his head. (Something we can draw on easily each
week to create some continuit. See, always thinking, that’s
me.)

COMMANDER JACK
That happens if you don’t face the
right way.

GUNNER CORMAC
That would be the wee sign that
says Face this Way.

BILL
I was exerting my individuality.

COMMANDER ERIC
There’s a time for individuality,
Sous Chef Bill, and there’s a time
for doing what the wee sign says.

They are all playing with stuff on the console, clicking buttons.
Sous Chef Bill has no idea what is going on but joins in,
flicking switches at random back and forth till Gunner
Cormac smacks his hands and gives him the Waggly Finger.

Otherwise they are crammed in to the control section. There is
a small door behind them. A window on the far side (for
green screen practice) and a periscope above. Nothing can be
done without jostling the other.

COMMANDER JACK
This is the big one gentlemen. HQ
has given us the task of tracking
down and capturing Bryce the
Destroyer. He has hijacked a Mark
XVII Battle Tank and is giving what
ho to the natives. And we’re the
only ones who give what-ho to the
natives, according to the What-Ho
Treaty of 2440.

Gunner Cormac and Sous Chef Bill look askance at one
another.

BILL
I have a question sir.

GUNNER CORMAC
(Cutting in)
And that would be what the fuck are
we doing here??!!

COMMANDER JACK
Because we are it, baby, Johnny on
the Spot, the thin red line. We’re
all they’ve got and we’re gonna
give it.

GUNNER CORMAC AND SOUS CHEF BILL

Getting up to go.
Fuck this.

COMMANDER JACK
Sit down men, goddamit. We’re here,
and we’re going to do our duty.
(though it sounds a bit like doody)

BILL
I think I am going to doody my
pants.

COMMANDER JACK
No, we are going to make Bryce the
Destroyer doody HIS pants. Now
let’s get our Fuck Faces on … in
three

Meelater and Blotnical exchange grimaces and shrug. All
three put hands on, pull orgasm faces. (Hopefully this will
be explained later).

COMMANDER JACK
Kiwi Space Patrol …

BILL AND CORAC
We’re fucked.

COMMANDER JACK

Giving them the evils.
Kiwi Space Patrol!!

BILL AND CORMAC
Maybe we won’t be killed outright
… We could stand a slim chance of
survival.

COMMANDER JACK

Slightly dubiously
That’s the story. Now, let’s get
this baby fired up.

BILL

Flicking between the manual he has, and looking over
This online help is absolute crap.
I’ve been through 17 sub menus and
I can’t even find out where the
start button is.

GUNNER CORMAC

Scrolling through the online help
It says the start button has to be
activated by depressing it while at
the same time firing the gas feed
through the turbo igniters. If both aren’t
used simultaneously [reads] “plasma
will blow back into the cabin and instantly
incinerate everything it touches.

BILL

Somewhat incredulous
Holy shit, who designed this thing?

GUNNER CORMAC

looking at the back of the manual, reads:
Built with pride by Australian
Robotic Service Enterprises.

(NOTE HOW THIS CUNNINGLY SPELLS ARSE. OH
THE HUMOUR!)

Gunner Cormac and Bill locate the buttons they have to depress.
Though they do it on each other’s side, getting in the way
of the commander who slaps them aside so they activate the
buttons on their own sides.

COMMANDER JACK
On my command … [Pause] GO!!!!

This causes consternation as Bill pushes his, but Cormac is
caught out unaware and looks around, sees Bill has pushed
his and pushes his. Bill sees there is a delay and, still
holding his down, looks very worried.

BILL
You were suppose to do it
simultaneously.

CORMAC
Who says GO!?? It was suppose to be
on three.

COMMANDER JACK
I never said anything about three
…

CORMAC

Slightly hysterical
It’s always three. Everything is on
three. You don’t just go bloody
GO!!!

All three listen. There is flowing gas in pipes around which trickles
away, and then …

Audio through the speakers coinciding with the start
…SUPER AWESOME [turbine dies away .. then it comes in
again a bit longer … SUPER AWESOME MEGA …[ dies away,
comes back in full heavy metal thunder]

SUPER AWESOME MEGA BATTLE TANK, SUPER AWESOME MEGA BATTLE
TANK SUPER AWESOME MEGA BATTLE TANK.

COMMANDER JACK

(Shouting over the top of the turbines and the music)
That is rather cool, but I would
prefer it if we had a bit more
quiet so you can hear my orders.

GUNNER CORMAC

Referring to manual and straining to hear.
What?? … It’s just a start up
feature and switches off 15 seconds
after ignition.

COMMANDER JACK
What? Turn it off so you can hear
what I’m saying.

BILL
(Not wanting to be left out of
the yelling over the top of
the music, tarts yelling
nonsense to himself.)

All three are yelling when the sound dies away abruptly,
just as Bill sings out:

BILL
… I put my willy in a billy goat
called William and then I …

Commander Jack and Cormac look askance at him.

BILL
It’s just a song … from Timaru

SMAB lurches forward.

GUNNER CORMAC
Commander, there’s a glowing blob
on the screen and it’s heading
straight for us.

COMMANDER JACK
Or are we heading straight towards
it …

BILL
(very high, in fact, embarrasingly
so)
It’s Bryce the Destroyer!

Bill and Cormac start hysterical shaking of each other.

COMMANDER JACK
Oh wait a minute, it’s just a wine
gum.

Pulls off wine gum and pops in mouth. Bill and Cormac relax.
BLOB IS STILL THERE. Commander Jack looks confused. Bill and Cormac
lose it again.
XXCU of screaming mouths, ending with wine gum on tongue of Commander
Jack.

Cut. Credits.

Copyright Bill O’Byrne, 2008.

As if anybody would want to pinch this …